Really back

I think I started this blog in 2005 right after I graduated from Brandeis. It was cathartic...I was confused. Work was ok, but not at all what I expected. Getting a paycheck was nice, but I had no passion. My posts ping-ponged between super depressed to irrationally hopeful. Now I'm old. Okay, now I'm older.  But at 25 with a little over 3 years of work under my belt, things still don't make any sense, but life feels more rhythmic.

This has been an extremely difficult year for me. I'm in a job (financial crisis apart) that is difficult and demanding. I'm surrounded by people that are better than me and trying to prove myself is getting old rather quickly. Teamwork is no longer a lifestyle its a term. The bullseye is squarely on my back and it is trying. Winning for the sake of winning doesn't feel as good as it used to. I strategically wonder if I should move on to something else where my abilities, even if mediocre, leads to a tangible and consequential result.

I was in a wonderful relationship that collapsed overnight. No one could ever have prepared me for the roller coaster that my heart went on this year. I've felt everything from guilt to anger to remorse. I love him still and likely always will, even though we shouldn't be together. I haven't gone on a date since. I'm hoping I'm not "damaged" relationship wise, but I'm certainly exasperated at the thought of sinking time, money and energy into a relationship without a positive and tangible result.

At the start of October, I sent out an e-mail to 3 close friends that are in different parts of my life. they will hold be accountable over the next few months. Essentially from  now until next year - I am living in the moment. I think I've promised myself this before. But for once I'm taking it quite seriously. I finally bought a new car. I do not live at home. I am saving and more thoughtful with my money. I am reading the Bible and I am trying to be a real Christian...not just  a sometimes observer. I pray for grace and patience frequently.  Each day is uncertain and sometimes treacherous. For me - I need help from a source thats higher than me to make it through these moments in my life. I do yoga and I'm trying to take care of myself. I am trying to meet up with friends at least once a week, and volunteering is a much bigger part of my life.

I desperately want to figure out my next step, but I'm dedicated to figuring out what I'm doing with the rest of today. I'm back on xanga because I think it'll be good for me to record some of my thoughts. I'm wishing myself plenty of luck. Making life's uncertainty a pleasure instead of a curse...might be a bigger and more unique challenge than any of the other challenges I've outlined.

Everyone else knows best BUT me

In a single day I've been advised to be a Psychologist, a Teacher, a Labor lawyer, Investment Banker, and HR person.

I guess that means that I'm just so amazing I can do anything I want. Except clearly I want just one job that I'm amazing at. Why can't I find or figure out what that is?

I'm just so tired of going into work and hating it. Some people say stick it out...others say wait for 1 year then try, and still others ay get out your young. Everyone with their own opinion---but which one works best for me?

blah blah blah....state of the union address. I'm not even sure how I started listening to it. Politics makes me sick. There is just so much good, evil, greed,evil, pride, evil...oh and evil involved. It is impossible to think any piece of news we get is true. I finally got around to reading 1984...I hope I'm not around when the world gets that bad.

On to much more important matters: ie. my life

Someone asked me, "pie in the sky vision, what do you want out of your job. Stop telling me what you dont want-what is it that you DO want?"

I was stunted. I couldn't answer the question. I turned into a babbling idiot devoid of any sense. So now, what do I want out of my job (best case scenario):

1. Traveling would be nice. The idea of having meetings outside of my floor or building is nice. Going abroad would be VERY sexy. I'm just tired of being trapped on my floor every day.

2. Diversity...of many thing. I need a diversity of people to interact with. Snobs, down to earth, money driven, full of heart, wasps, japs, welfares (haha)...but you get the idea. People with personalities and interests. Work conversations are only as entertaining as the people having them. I also need diversity in my day. I need something slightly new every day  to keep me interested and motivated.

3. Already indentifiable importance. I hate having to explain what ops does. Its almost impossible to do. I want a job thats very straightforward. You say it and it explains it. Basically I'm lazy. If I do have to explain it, then let it be an interesting one. 

4. A blackberry. Not really the actual device as much as the sense that I have a career and not a job. If i wanted a 9-5 I would have applied for one of those. I now have to fill in a time sheet which makes me so mad. I want to work hard because of my personal desire. I don't need to be questioned based on a timesheet. Every once in a while-I do want to take my work "home" with me. I'm young and I'm single. When will I ever be able to pour my life into my work as I can right now?

5. Creative communication. I need to express myself. At work I live in my head and I hate it. When i read something fascinating I want to be able to share it with people that get it. I want to write freely and also do more business style writing. I want to make powerpoint presentations and brochures. I want to practice speaking to audiences and having more human interactions.

...and now i'm super sleepy...so to be continued